It's kinda of a weird thing, I just hate to see other people sad so when I'm with other people I always act really positively and optimistic. But it's only when I get time to sit and think for myself that I realise how negative I actually am, and considering most of the time I spend blogging I'll be alone, that might reflect in my writing. Anyway, it was only really when I talk to people hypothetically, and so many people called me up for thinking of the worst case scenario. And then it came to be slowly and silently bubbling negative thoughts in my head, but I'd hate to actually share how I really feel. Atleast in person, I'm scared I might make people feel bad :( with this blog acting as my own personal diary I think things may be different.
It's pretty weird, it feels like I'm pretend to be someone I'm not. It's more than just thinking about things negatively, it's about expressing myself. I'm an honest person, (atleast I'd like to think I am) but there's a huge difference between speaking the truth and speaking my mind. I'm worried a lot of the things I think could get me into trouble I just don't want to be in, and more importantly can't be bothered to be in. I feel sometimes that I'd like to reinvent myself, to a person who no-one cares about, so I can just shadow. And so no-one cares how I express myself. As it stands I find myself just walking out of conversations, which I don't want to be in, so I don't offend people with what I want to say. Even if it's just a pointless arguement with a friend who's feeling especially arrogant.
It's not that I don't have the confidence to speak out, it's just I'm scare of the consequences.The one time I actually spoke up to a few 'friends' I lashed out, needlessly to say it wasn't well received, at that point the shunned me out of the conversation and I had no intention to ever talk to them again. I haven't spoken to any of them for almost 8months now, as it happens from an outsider of their circle I realise now how much I actually dislike them and how good it was for me that I spoke out at them.
But that was just one time, what happens if it doesn't go that way. What happens if relationships break and people fall out and it's not for the better. I'm sick and tired of being somebody I don't want to be, but with exams pressing I don't feel like this is the time to make a bold statement.
Anyone who's reading this and is wondering what to make of all this, as an overarching comment I want to say, express yourself. Something bad may happen but it will be for the best, it's better to live without having to hide yourself or your inner feelings. So I challenge you, to show your true colours to the world. (Or if you don't wanna go that big start with just friends) I want to hear about anyone who has showed the world their true selves, or anyone who is thinking about it. I'll be happen to give some further guidance.
Thanks for Reading
Omar Al-Kamil
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